The Boy and the Stupid Bird Condo
by ForTheWin04
Summary: When the birds of the world all seem to be against Oliver Oken – spying on Miley and Jake from her backyard is only the more difficult. Miley/Oliver. One-Shot.


**...MOLIVER! Oh, how I've missed you! I've tried to write Moliver again a billion times, but nothing has worked! I had ZERO inspiration! I actually had to look online for short story ideas, it was ridicules! Then, I came across this website that would randomly give you three elements, in hopes for inspiration. Boy, did it work! So it's Miley/Oliver time! Yayness. **

**This is before Lilly and Oliver started dating, and after Miley and Jake broke up the first time. **

**Oh, and just by the way... this is me attempting to be funny. Please, tell me how to improve! **

**I hope you enjoy! :)**

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The Boy and the Stupid Bird Condo

Here we go, its story time kiddies. So grab something cozy – I suggest a pillow or a nice teddy bear – lean back, and let's begin.

My name is Oliver Oken. You are about to hear the miserable tale of a boy, a vicious tree, and an evil scientist trying to eat his brains!

...okay, so scratch the evil scientist. But how cool would that have been! I think, it would have constricted as very heavy reading. Anyways, there is no evil _scientist... _but there is, however, and evil _ex-boyfriend. _But, not my ex-boyfriend! I am in no way gay! Trust me! I am as straight as a ruler!

Oh! That wasn't a good metaphor... sick, sick, sick.

OKAY! I'm getting way off topic... so there is an evil ex-boyfriend. Granted, not as terrifying as the scientist. But if you only knew this boy you'd figure out he's just as bad!

So my story starts with me – our hero – standing at the gate leading to my doom.

Actually, no. It was leading into Miley's backward – _in which_ I would face doom. Or at least poison ivy...

I held on tightly to the binoculars I had in my sweaty palms. There was a strap around them and I swung it over my neck so they hung just below my chest. Inhaling a deep breath, I looked up to the top of the fence where the lock was. My heart sank when I saw it – in a very non-girl-like way. You see, my lock picking skills had become top notch over the years. Seeing as I'm the "Locker Doctor" I could get past any obstacle when it came to un-locking... stuff. But my eye's widened in suspense when I saw a combination lock.

You know the twisty turny ones that usually used three digits to open. How can anyone pick _that_! I realized now that I have two options. None of which I am too pleased with:

One: I can muster up _all _of my super man-like strength an break the lock in half like it's a piece of bologna.

...yeah, or maybe two: I could simply climb the fence.

I once again removed the binoculars from around my neck and tossed them over the fence. They hit the other side with a thud on the ground and I inhaled once again. I could climb a measly little fence – right? How hard could it be?

I put one of my feet – the stronger one – onto a board near the bottom of the fence and took in a deeeeeep breath. I grabbed onto the top and jumped so my other foot was on _an other_ board closer to the middle. Now hanging onto the fence for dear life, I swung my first foot over so it was on the other side of the fence. I was now sitting on top – one foot on the left side and the other on the right. My hands were out in front my me – again, hanging on so hard I actually think I might have left marks on the top of the fence with my finger nails.

I looked in front of me at the _stupid combo lock _only to find that it wasn't latched all the way. I leaned forward – slightly shifting my weight – to get a better look at it, when it feel to the ground. "Oh no," I said out loud.

Since I was shifting forward and slightly to the right, the fence began to swing open. "Ah!" I yelled and held on tighter – if that was humanly possible.

This fence – which now had a mind of its own – began to rapid swing back and forth in some kind of frenzy. Suddenly, it opened the whole way when a gust of wind came howling at me, make a leaf _hit me in the eye! _I hit the wall with a thud and went tumbling off the top on the fence... landing painfully on my binoculars.

I stood up, brushed myself off and caught my balance. I lifted my arms up in the air to show victory and had a cheesy grin on my face. "Woo! I made it!"

I looked down at my sweater and groaned. I had gotten dirt all over my new yellow sweater. Actually, you know what: Yellow is conventional... chartreuse is classy.

Oh my god, maybe I am gay.

JOKES! Ha ha ha? HA!

Uhm… so onto part two of my adventure.

This part is formally called 'The Tree', but I really think it should be called 'The Planted Bark Stick of Leaves and Death'… you decide.

But personally, I think the second one captures the tree's true intentions with me much better. It (like everything else out in this world, apparently) was out to get me. Grrrrr.

I stood at the bottom of the planted bark stick of leaves and death and prepared to face my doom.

Ooooh, now that I look that name over – it quite lengthy. From here on out, the tree will be referred to as the tree of death, just for my sake. Yeah...

Much like my attempt of climbing over the fence – so did mine of the tree of death. Let's just say, I have no idea how I'm going to get those splinters out. Ouch!

But when I did make it to the top I felt very victorious. I gave myself a pat on the back and figured it was time to get down to business...

...because you guys still have no idea what the heck I'm doing!

When I looked down – to see how high I had climbed – I felt my head begin spin. To be totally honest – this wasn't my brightest plan. I had been afraid of heights, like, my whole life, and climbing up into an old tree (of death) in Miley's backyard definitely wasn't the answer. Suddenly – out of nowhere, I might add - a small bird flew up in my face and quacked. Quacked right in it! My eyes widened to the size of meatballs.

"Ah!" I screamed, in a way that was – again – _not _girly in any way! I momentarily lost control of my balance and had to grab onto a branch above me. And thank God I did, because if I hadn't I would've fallen on my face...again. "What in the name of Hannah Montana am I doing in this bird condo?" I asked to no one in particular.

I shook my head rapidly, still attempting to catch my breath from the humiliating scare the bird gave me. But then again – it _quacked_. What kind of bird (other than a duck, duh) quacks! It was a quack attack!

Haha, I'm too funny.

Uhm, all stupid puns aside...

It was finally time to execute stage three...

...and it's also time for _part_ three of my adventure.

I took hold of my binoculars and brought them slowly to my eyes, trying to find the large kitchen window lit on the side of Miley's beach house. I had a clear view of the whole living room and I was shaded behind the leaves of the tree of death. Hmm... maybe this tree isn't so bad.

"Quaaaaaack!"

...never mind.

…so back to Miley's window. The evil ex-boyfriend Jake Ryan was coming over tonight. And I made it my quest to make sure nothing happened between him and Miley! …because he's a jerk! Not because there is _someone else _that Miley should be dating. Pfttt! Me and Miley? NO! I am simply a concerned best friend that's what I am. Yup, yup, yup! Jeeze, is it warm in this tree of death or is it just me?

Well I am pretty hot. Meow!

...it anyone asks, I did NOT just meow.

Jake Ryan entered her house with his – well for lack of a better term "Zombie Slaying Swagger".

But, the worst part is that Miley was all smiles. Hanging off his every word – like he's some kind of poet or something!

I adjusted the view to get a clearer look into the house. I leaned forward and tucked my brown hair behind my ear to get it out of my eyes.

They just stood there by the door for a while talking. With Jake making himself look like he's the greatest thing since cream puffs or something else equally delicious. And Miley's eating it up! It's disgusting!

The two of them made their way over to the couch and I made a careful attempt to move forward in my spot on the branch. Successfully I moved forward, and zoomed in closer. Jake looked awful flirty. I narrowed my eyes into thin slits and raised my fist in the air to show triumph. "It's okay Oliver," I reassured myself. "Miley can just keep snacking on the cream puff. This donut can wait."

Don't laugh at me, alright? I know what you're thinking in that little head of yours! "Oh, Oliver you said you didn't like Miley but you so do! Wow Oken… you're pathetic!"

Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before. Mostly from my best friend Lilly, but whatever!

Speaking of Lilly – the exploding ball of sugar texted me at this precise moment of my adventure.

_Please don't tell me you're in Miley's tree, Oliver. _

I gasped for air when I read this. (It was really quite dramatic!)

Lillian had read my three point plan! Granted "sneak in backyard, climb in tree, and spy on Miley" wasn't too much of a plan… but it was still my personal property! And Lilly had _no _right to steal my English notebook to read it. I spent precious class time coming up with that ingenious plan!

_No I am not! _I sent back – clearly lying.

The hyper blond one will pay! Oh yes she will! _Muhaha_!

…and we're back to the evil scientist.

But anyways, while I was getting my evil laugh on – the evil ex-boyfriend was getting a move in on my woman! I saw him with his zombie slayingness, trying to tick Miley into another relationship. Not on my watch Ryan!

He put arm around her shoulder and she slightly settled into his embrace. Trust me on this one – it was barf worthy. Big time!

_IT'S THE ONLY LIFE YOU GOT, SO YOU GOTTA LIVE IT BIG TIME! _

Yeah – I often break out into the Big Time Rush theme song, deal with it.

So the fact that Jake was all cuddly with Miley just wouldn't do! And I was not in the tree of death just to sit here – uncomfortably I might add – and watch it all go down. That is NOT the Oken way, my dear friends, and it's time to break up this love fest.

I took out my cell phone, ignored Lilly's _rude_ response, and dialed Miley's house number.

Just as the zombie eater started saying "I slayed you once, don't make me slay you again, blah, blah, blah… zombies… blah, blah, blah…" the phone began to ring.

Miley sighed and stood up walking to the counter where the cordless phone was sitting. "Hello?" she said as she brought it up to her ear.

I froze, nothing but the fait sound of my breathing could be heard. I hadn't thought this far ahead. "Hello!" I said, in a bad French accent. "Would you like to buy some, er, french fries?"

Miley rolled her eyes and looked at the screen on the phone. "Oliver, I know that's you."

Busted. "Ha, ha, ha!" I laughed awkwardly on my end. "You caught me Miley. Ha, ha. Wow you're too smart for me!"

"Ollie, what do you want?"

I looked around the three of death awkwardly, trying to find _something_ to say – or at least a _point _for my phone call. My eyes landed on the nest – for the quaking bird. "Yeah, uhm, I wanted to know if you had any bird food."

"Why the heck do you need bird food?" she asked. I guess I can't blame her for that one – it was the obvious response.

"You know, to feed helpless and hungry birds." I tired lamely.

A confused look crossed Miley's face and she shook her head. "Oliver, I don't have time for you're weirdness right now I have to–"

"WAIT!" I yelled.

"Uhm, alright?"

"Do you, uhm… like humming birds?"

"Bye Oliver," she said before hanging up the phone and tossing it back on the counter.

Mentally slapping myself on the forehead, I zoomed in closer to Miley's living room on my binoculars.

She moved back over to the couch next to Jake. She said something that – too me – looked like "Cow hairs furry."

…but now that I think about it, she was most likely saying, "Now, where were we?"

Jake smiled before replacing his gross arm around her shoulders. Miley twisted her hair in a twisty, flirty way and Jake leaned in closer.

"NO!" I yelled. They were inches from each other – lips almost touching. "NO, NO, NO, NO… NO-AHHHH!"

…and with that, I fell out of the tree of death. I looked up to see Miley run out onto the patio – the zombie muncher not that far behind her. And let's just say he looked mad. I interrupted the kiss! Boo-to-the-yeah!

"_Oliver_! What in the world are you doing?" Miley practically yelled at me.

"Oh you know, just… tree sitting."

"In my backyard? With _binoculars_!"

"Did I say tree sitting? I meant bird watching!"

"At night?" Jake added.

"Quite Ryan!" I snapped.

I then noticed I was still lying on the ground and I slowly stood up. "Ow," I said dramatically.

Miley and Jake were both giving me very confused looks and I scratched the back of my neck. "Well, I guess I'll be going now."

I made a mad dash for the fence – but Miley called me out.

"Not another step Oken!"

And this brings us to part four, the confrontation.

"Jake, why don't you go wait inside. I need to _talk_ to Oliver."

I gulped as I watched the zombie snacker go inside. Miley stomped over to me and punched my arm. "Ow!" I said, again.

"What were you thinking Oliver? I was just about to get back with Jake and you probably just ruined my chances!"

"Look Miley, I was just watching the lovely birds and–"

"Oh cut the bird crap!"

"Haha, _bird crap_." I said with a chuckle.

"Oliver!" she huffed. "What were you doing in my tree?"

"Miley, I just didn't want to see you get involved with the wrong people. Alright?" I told her honestly – leaving out all the personal stuff.

She sighed. "And a simple 'Miley, I don't think you should date Jake' wouldn't have worked, because…?"

"My opinion wouldn't have mattered anyways!" I stated and crossed my arms.

She looked surprised at this. "Of course your opinion matter's Oliver, you're like my best friend."

I looked away and scrunched up my face. "Yeah, _best friend_, I know!"

"Oliver, do you know something I don't?"

"So there are three birds," I began – not seeing where I was going. "A beautiful dove, a bright and awesome toucan, and a little dirty magpie. But even though the magpie is a gross bird – who eats the nastiest worms – he's part of the coolest nest. Making him seem better then he actually is. And the dove is _so_ blinded by the magpie's nest that she doesn't notice how slimy he really is. And the toucan is the only one who can see how gross the magpie really is."

"Where are you going with this?" Miley asked with squinted eyes.

"Let me finish!" I complained. "Anyways, the toucan and the dove are really close. But the dove doesn't believe the toucan when he says the magpie is a piece of poo. So he tries to keep the dove from flying away with the icky magpie by spying on them from his tree."

"Uh-huh…"

"And since the toucan is so close with the dove he just had to tell her – the magpie is not for her." I added with a smile.

Miley smiled too and crossed her arms. "Are you sure there isn't some other reason you were spying on me and Jake?"

"What! NO! I'm not the toucan, silly little Miley! That was just a stupid story about birds! Pfttt!"

Miley nodded and walked up to me. She smiled deceivingly, and then smacked my arm.

"Hey! What was that for!"

"I don't know, it just felt necessary," Miley said with a giggle.

"Well it didn't hurt anyways! I've got guns of steal!" I said with a flex of my intensely large arm muscles.

"Oliver, you are such a donut."

I opened my mouth to protest but Miley leaned up and pecked my cheek. "Jake's not my type anyways."

"I know right, w-who wants a magpie?" I said, after blinking my eyes about 85,248,629,652 times.

Miley simply nodded before heading back to her patio. "Oh, and Oliver?"

"Yeah?" I said, still slightly dazed.

"Stay away from my tree!"

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END

**I had so much fun writing this! I've never tried comedy writing before, so I figured I'd try it out. Please tell me if you thought this was funny, or made you laugh in anyway. I would really appreciate it. **

**Review if you love Oliver! **


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